SATIRE: Brand New Mechitzah in Kakiat Park!

Disclaimer: This article is Satire (not true) and is part of an ongoing satire competition. Please comment and share.

We are proud to announce the -Thank you Hashem- building of a brand new divider Mechitzah which will be put up along the 3 hiking trail paths at Kakiat Park. This is 100% confidential, but mvet zugen anyway. The Parks Commision which is run by the last remaining Christian family in Rockland County is working together with Yeled V’yalda, Ohr Shlomo, and partially Hamaspik, to erect this Mechitza-boarder-wall. “A Mechitza is not only important, but overdue. Now I can bring my family for chol hamoed and not have to take them all American Dream or chas vesholom a regular Mall” said Lipa Shmeltzer who likes Chabad.

After the environmental study which usually takes 12 years but will be done by Satmar chassidim, so it should be completed in a week and a half. “Ah rizikeh study vet men tuhn a riiitzikeh study Zug Ich dir tzu” quipped a younge chassidic  man who also owns a business. 

The board of parks commissioner is working on changing the dress code from its current suggestions of sneakers, hiking pants, and a backpack, which will be changed to allow black leather dress shoes, white button down shirts, and dress pants you wore since the first day of YomTov. Black socks will be mandatory for the men. 

As well as the Mechitza we are petitioning to have them change the name of Kakiat Park to something that smells a little better. Some suggestions which they came up was, “Only place a mother can have a private conversation with her daughter Park” or “The hike is right over there, Park”.

The parks commissions would like to apologize to the Jewish community for it’s confusion regarding the axiety causing orange on orange signs squares and apologizes profusely if it deeply offended anyone of the Hebrew faith for the lack of arrows. “The lack of arrows was not due to anti Semitism” said -ich vays- Harold Rodriguez that was in charge of something. A big sign will be put up that says “Right there is the hike” and “ok yeah we can go to that one”. There will be a wooden deck overlooking the overlook in case people seek to ruin a hispanic couples first date. They will be selling pizza, and all year round kosher L’Pesach coffee plus a section with chairs if you wanna daven mincha and gets way from your kids. A small but respectable non Crown Heights style section will be made for the Lubavitchers who live nearby and unfortunately lost the art of of outreach. 

The Parks Commission has initiated a community outreach program to encourage Jewish people to finally make it to the highest point of the hike. As of today no Jew has ever seen the highest point. They have only heard about it second hand. There will be professional hikers made available to help the Yiddin get up to the highest point as well as professional therapists on the way down to hear their about their  trauma experience of walking up a hill. 

The new shul which will be built in Kakiat Park and paid for by the government through a government program that seeks to separate church and state and arranged by Satmar Chassidim who just moved into the area. In the basement they will offer classes for Lubavitchers to demonstrate “how to arrange and serve good” as well as yoga classes.