SATIRE: The Husband of Valor

We may not be sure who authored Eishes Chayil, but their wife probably would have written this.

The consummate husband who can find?
His value is far beyond that of diamond rings and manicures.
His wife can always rely on him and she shall never be lacking.
He is benevolent to her and her children all the days of his life.
He has learned to fold laundry and does so willingly.
He is like an army tank, a shelter and refuge for his family.
He arises while it is still dark to feed and soothe a crying baby.
He finds himself a successful job so that he may provide well for his family, and seeks to be promoted.
He strengthens his arms by taking out the garbage and carrying heavy laundry baskets.
He knows that parenting is not an easy task and he will stay awake to aid an ailing child.
He stretches out his hand to the ladle and his palms support the soup pot.
He is kind and generous to his wife’s family and always polite to the neighbors.
He fears not snow for he is gifted with a shovel and will ably clear a path to the car.
He has learned to coordinate children’s outfits and find their coats and accessories. He does not balk at the thought of a winter morning on a school day.
His wife is known in the community, she sits on the PTA committee.
He buys his wife the latest fashions; her beret has a real fur pom-pom.
He dresses well, for he has ironed his own shirts and buys himself new shoes.
He is wise yet firm with the children; he instructs them to be kind human beings.
He anticipates when his family will need him and does not unnecessarily spend time in the bathroom.
His children boast eagerly about him; his wife too exalts him.
“Many men have achieved great things but you surpass them all!”
Charm is false and handsomeness vain; a man who fears Hashem, he should be praised.
Show him the products of his labor, and he will be known worldwide by his very own deeds!