Shazak Parsha Post – Balak
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FOR-PROFIT-PROPHET HIRED
Dignitaries from the nations of Moav and Midian have hired the renowned prophet Bilaam to curse the People of Israel. “We are terribly terrified of those treacherous Israelites,” said Rashid Al HaSela, prince of Moav. “With the G-d of Israel on their side, they will surely destroy us. They’ll devour us as if we are blades of grass before of a starving cow. We’ll be finished… kapoot… finito! Our only hope is for Prophet Bilaam to cast one of his super-duper curses upon those Jews. We’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse! Megabucks!”
When interviewed by TNS, Bilaam seemed quite hesitant to undertake this undertaking. “I hate those Jews more than you can imagine, but the sad truth is that I am not the one in control here. I am merely a puppet from the Master-Heaven-Controller. No doubt about it, it’s going to be quite a rough ride!”
Talking Donkey!
Scientists are scratching their heads in disbelief following reports of a donkey speaking as if he were human.The talking donkey incident took place on a road between two vineyards. Reportedly, the donkey saw an angel of G-d and refused to continue traveling the path. After his owner, Bilaam the Prophet, struck him with his stick three times, the donkey verbally protested.
“I’m at loss for words,” said zoologist Mrs. Hazel Aizel. “I’ve seen lots of unusual things in my lifetime. I once saw a prophet who thought that by uttering a few curses he could wipe out Almighty G-d’s chosen people, but a talking donkey… Huh?! I’m stunned, flabbergasted, and befuddled!”
Prophet Turns Puppet
Time and time again, Bilaam attempted to curse the people of Israel. But much like a puppet is controlled by the puppeteer, Bilaam’s speech was controlled entirely by HaShem. As the once-successful prophet struggled with his inability to speak, King Balak was burning angry: “Is this what I hired him for?! To bless the Jews?! Bilaam has been driving me crazy. I’m busy setting up altars and bringing expensive sacrifices – what do them call them… Korbanos? – in the hope that I’ll get a good juicy curse out of him. And all I get is… a speechless prophet!”
Despite King Balak’s repeated efforts to curse the Jews, HaShem restricted Bilaam to speak well of His beloved nation. The frustrated prophet ended up blessing and praising the people of Israel and even foretelling of good times to come, including the era of Moshiach.
Pinchas Pulls Plug on Plague
A highly contagious disease with no known cure, broke out in the Israelite Camp yesterday. According to TNS health and wellness expert, Dr. Hachoo Gesundheit, the highly contagious disease originated among a group of Midianite women, but quickly spread to Jewish families.
In a surprise turnaround, this dreadful disease has ground to a halt thanks to the heroic actions of Pinchas ben Elazer. “This young hero took matters into his own hands,” commented Mrs. Omy Goodness. “With a few thrusts of his spear, he spared us from certain doom. His valiant action stopped the plague in its tracks.
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