Shazak Parsha Post – Parshas Chukas

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Rare Red Calf Revealed

Excitement is running high at the farm of Mr. Ovaid Adamah, where a perfectly red calf has been born. This calf, a.k.a. Henrietta, is reported to be a perfect candidate for the rare Jewish ritual known as Parah Adumah, in which the red calf’s ashes would be mixed with water and sprinkled over a person who has become impure.

“I can’t believe it!” exclaimed Mr. Adamah to TNS. “Henrietta was born totally red, and before I knew it, rabbis and reporters were streaming into my farm to examine her. When Henrietta is officially approved as the red calf, I’ll be able to sell her to the Temple Treasurers! Big Bucks! Hurray!”

Giant Victory Over King

Bashan is the site of a most unique battle between Jewish and Bashanite forces. Og, giant strongman and king of Bashan, had held high a mountain that he was about to drop on the Jewish forces. Aided by an unusual ant invasion, Moshe struck him in his ankle, and the giant toppled over dead.

“Now that’s what I call a decisive blow,” said Chaim Chayal, a soldier and eyewitness. “I’ve never seen Moshe Rabbeinu leap that high!”

Obituary:

Aharon Hakohen Longtime High Priest and Beloved Peacemaker, 123

Aharon Hakohen, devoted High Priest, passed away peacefully on Hor HaHar today by Divine kiss. Born to a Levite family during the Egyptian exile, he was instrumental in securing the Jewish people’s release, as the main spokesperson of his famous brother, Moses. The last four decades of his life were dedicated to Temple service, where he served as High Priest. A skilled arbitrator and family therapist, his loss was mourned by all of Israel for 30 days.

He is predeceased by his sister, Miriam, and sons, Nadav and Avihu. In addition to his wife Elisheva, brother Moses, he is survived by his sons Elazar and Isamar and many grandchildren. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Mishkan Fund.

Snakes Attack Israelite Camp

Following a particularly bad season of complaining, the Bnei Yisrael are currently under attack by vicious, venomous, vile, and very sneaky, slithery, slimy snakes.

An emergency treatment center was immediately set up by Moshe. Bite victims are urged to seek treatment by looking up at a copper snake in the treatment center. “I have never encountered this cure before, but it sure works!” said Dr. Leibel Lokshenkup, TNS medical contributor. “It seems that looking towards Heaven reminds the victims to pray to G-d for healing.”

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