Shazak Parsha Post – Parshas Matos
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Court Discourages Vows
Sitting in the Bais Din court room, the rabbis of the dRc (Desert Rabbinical Council) heard cases on a wide variety of issues. The first one involved a vow, a.k.a. Neder, of Mr. Billy Neder, who had sworn not to eat peanut-butter sandwiches but soon discovered that he could not get through the day without them.
“If you knew how much you loved eating peanut-butter sandwiches, why would you have made this Neder in the first place?” inquired Chief-Justice Av-Beis-Din Tsemach Tsedek. After careful investigation and deliberation, the court ruled that Mr. Neder would be eligible for Hataras Nedarim, “release of vows.” This procedure will allow him to eat peanut-butter again. The court also reprimanded him to be extremely careful not to make a Neder henceforth (whatever that means).
“Absolutely! Unequivocally! 99%! 100%!” replied Mr. Neder, who was visibly relieved. “Henceforth (whatever that means) I will live up to my name… Billy Neder… no more frivolous Nederim for me… Bli Neder!”
Settled- Jordan Bank
Members of the tribes of Reuven and Gad have proposed that freshly conquered lands on the east bank of the Jordan River be set aside for them to settle.
“This land is wonderful for grazing,” said Roi Reuveni, a shepherd from the tribe of Reuven, “And we have so much cattle and sheep. This would be the perfect place for us to settle down.”
After consulting with the CEO of Planet Earth, a.k.a. HaShem Almighty, Moshe has agreed to their request on the condition that they bravely lead the Jews in battle to conquer Canaan, laying their lives on the line for the sake of their fellow Jews.
“We were shocked by Moshe Rabbeinu’s other condition,” reported Gadi Goatstein of the tribe of Gad, “that half of the tribe of Menasheh settle here with us as well. I guess we’ll have lots of company.”
Obituary
Bilam ben Be’or Prophet, Dies by Sword
Bilam the prophet and magician, who recently gained notoriety for his failed attempt at cursing the Nation of Israel, has been killed during a bloody battle between Israel and Midyan.
Ben Be’or is the greatest non-Jewish prophet in history, whose name is mentioned in Torah 55 times. A man of many words, he will long be remembered for composing the opening words of Mah Tovu, the classic morning prayer.
No memorial services will be held for Bilaam, whose very name means Belo Am, “without a nation.”
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Under strict supervision of the dRc – Desert Rabbinical Council.
